I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
