If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
