If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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