My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
