Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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