Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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