Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
