WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
