Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
