so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
