You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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