i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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