did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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