Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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