my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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