I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
