I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
