just tell him i said nine months
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
