it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
