I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
