Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
