I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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