just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
