he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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