Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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