Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
