even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
