i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
