There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
