Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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