just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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