hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
