Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
