I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
