New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
