Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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