Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
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Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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