GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
