I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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