I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
