Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
