Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
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There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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