My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
