i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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