i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
...so i touched it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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