I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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