I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
