broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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