I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Im part way to drunk.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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