Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
