shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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