i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
