how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
