I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
