took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
