My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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