I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
