I smell stomach acid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
