She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
