Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
